The first five tools for the Top 10 Ways to Hear With Your Heart-
were in my last post. But before we finish this list, it’s important that we remember to pray for our partners. That’s not to say that we pray, “That idiot gets it. That he takes out a loan to buy a clue.” Or that “The Battle-axe can see how impossible she is being!” We pray for God’s heart for our spouse, and if we can’t figure out what that is, we ask the Lord to show it to us. Praying for our partner changes everything. It’ hard to be resentful toward someone we understand, and we are praying for.
Now let’s pick up where we left off with our list of how to listen well.
6. Do match the sharer's pace, pitch, and tone. If they are quiet and contained and you are loud and rowdy, your behavior will shut them. Just like a stray cat learning to trust, any sudden moves will scare it off. Sometimes, hurting people are like cornered cats.
Now, I'm not saying if they're screaming, you scream! Scripture tells us that a soft answer turns away wrath. But if your loved one is talking low and slow, and you do the same, you create a welcoming environment for them to continue to open up.
7. DO give feedback. If your son is sharing about his fear of not measuring up on the team, if your daughter is telling you a deep hurt she received from her BFF at school, if your husband has finally opened up to you about the tense relationship with his own father, all of these hurting people need a reaction from you. If you say nothing, it leaves the sharer feeling alone and exposed, and sorry they allowed themselves to be vulnerable. If you asked them to read your mind in that moment, they will say, "I knew I was messed up. I'm so messed up she/he doesn't even have words to express it." But if you offer feedback, you will be a hero. You will be the one person in the world who will allow them to be themselves. You will offer up the soul-healing gift of unconditional positive regard by relating, "I heard your pain, and I love you in spite of it."
Remember, feedback is not advice. It's stating that you are engaged. You are with the person, and you understand.
Reply with statements like, "This must be very hard for you. I can understand why you are feeling this way." Or even, "I'm sorry you are going through this."
7. DO keep an open, warm, accepting, humble, nonjudgmental attitude.
Repeat that out loud.
8. DON'T be afraid of silence.
Yours or theirs. People need time to process. Silence may feel like nothing is happening. But, believe me, something is.
10. Don't be afraid to reach out and pat, hug, or hold your loved one. (If you've correctly done what is on this list, you have earned the right to "reach out & touch." Do it judiciously & cautiously)
Psalm 19:14 states, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer". Seek the Holy Spirit's help to hear with your heart. Left to our own abilities, well, look around. We need all the help we can get.