I am sitting on my deck, earnestly thanking God for getting me through my heart procedure. After reading Revelation in a new way (I wrote about it in my Blog post, God Hears Our Prayers), I am brought to tears again that the Lord stops everything to hear us when we call on Him. And I am humbled and beyond grateful for the prayers of the wonderful people in my world who called on the Lord on my behalf. Thank you.
As I sit, it is challenging not to feel sidelined as I rest. Codependent much? I recognize from all my years of codependent recovery the source of these feelings. The only acknowledgment I got as a kid came from "producing." Just being my mom's child wasn't enough. If I was alive, I had to "earn my keep." I won approval if I was scrubbing, sweeping, folding, vacuuming, or waiting on Mama. Anything less garnered criticism at best or angry outbursts at worst. So, I stayed busy daily to keep my mom off my back.
But that coping mechanism developed into a continual need to perform for approval. If I do for people, then they will love me. That's true, and I love to do for people, but when it becomes the driving force of life, it's hard not to do and to just be. As I age, I can't do as much, so if my value is tied to doing, I am in a heap of trouble.
Hence, the value of codependent Recovery. I love how recovery groups offer chips, round plastic coin-shaped reminders, to commemorate a monthly milestone of sobriety. Our leader, Flint, at Celebrate Recovery, says that as codependents, we need to get 5-minute chips because the need to do, control, or fix is so engrained in us that if we can go 5 minutes without demonstrating it, that's cause for celebration! I have to agree with him.
So I am resting, 5 minutes at a time, and celebrating by resting 5 minutes more:) The end result is an entire day of rest, which works. I felt good yesterday, overdid it, and paid for it last night with chest pain, headache, and nausea.
As I rest, I have more time to pray. I am praying for you as you read this. If you, like me, have found your worth over the years in what you produce, let me invite you to Celebrate Recovery. Our group meets at Sierra Pines in Oakhurst every Wednesday, with dinner at 5 p.m. If you don't live near me, I'll bet there is a Celebrate Recovery at a church near you.