I have always looked forward to the New Year, with excitement about what's ahead. But a month ago, I was diagnosed with A-fib. An easy definition is that my heart beats too many times a minute and in a crazy fashion. And while there are worse things that people have to deal with, whenever the docs say there is something wrong with your heart, it's disconcerting. One hundred and fifty-eight thousand people in the US die each year from issues related to it. I don't want to be among them, thank you very much.
I found myself moving through some interesting emotions. With my heart beating wildly, I find myself exhausted all the time. I’ve always had a lot of energy. I HATE not being the person with endless energy. I feel old and vulnerable, and who wants to feel that?
I also moved through a spell of anger. The recommendations to help with A-fib say to quit smoking and lay off the booze. I have never smoked or drank! I've exercised regularly, quit soda, and learned to love vegetables. So why am I the one with the faulty ticker?
While good health may not be a constant in my life, one thing is. I have learned in nearly seven decades that God knows what He is doing, and if something is happening to me that I can't understand, He does understand it. And He is using it for my good. Every day, I look for what that means and what He has to show me.
Currently, the doctors are vigilantly gathering data to accurately decide what to do about my heart. (Great medical care went on my gratitude list, which has helped mitigate my mood. And Lord knows I need it.) So I realized my New Year's Resolution this year was to learn how to Wait with Grace and Not with Grousing.
Perhaps you are playing the waiting game like me. Maybe you have been waiting for answers to your prayers for years, and when the clock ticked over to a new year, you felt disappointed because one more year had passed without the answer you have continued to petition God for. Maybe you are like me, and your life is on hold while you wait for answers. Or perhaps you are waiting for enough time to elapse so that the nagging pain of grief will subside. Whatever you are waiting for, I invite you on a journey with me over the next few weeks as we explore how to wait well.
You got a hint of where I went first to move past my anger and find peace. Gratitude has become my go-to. I have a list in the back of my journal, and I add to it when God provides another cool blessing in my life, like competent medical care. I added my friends who have told me they were praying for me. I can actually feel those prayers. They give me hope. According to Princeton Health, "When gratitude is expressed and/or received, the brain releases dopamine and serotonin, two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for our emotions. Dopamine and serotonin contribute to feelings of pleasure, happiness, and overall well-being."
I think the first step in any attitude adjustment is to ruminate on what we have to be grateful for instead of what we have to worry about. But there are more steps, and we can explore them together. Stay tuned.
I can now say with confidence or should I say with God-fidence,
Happy New Year!