I remember early in my codependent recovery feeling like self-care was self-ish. It took a long time for me to learn because it was so foreign to my psyche, but now I know that self-care is essential. I have to put my oxygen mask one before I put the oxygen mask on someone next to me, or I will pass out! I often heard this, but my codependence wouldn’t receive it. Then I nearly “passed out” and almost washed out of serving altogether because I had everyone else on my plate but me! Scripture says that we need to love our neighbors as we love our selves. We can’t adequately love others unless we truly love ourselves.
“If I am to be a loving person, I must weigh my own happiness, security, and well-being as well as those of another. I must balance my needs with the needs of others whom I also love. For example, I am hungry and on my way to dinner, or tired and on my way to bed, then I meet you, and you express a need to talk. If it’s a minor matter, I may make an appointment to see you tomorrow. My needs will take priority over yours. However, if you have just suffered a setback, a death in the family, or if you are suicidal, my dinner can wait. Your needs will take priority over mine. A loving person will be called on to make many difficult decisions, and this prioritizing is surely one of them.”
“But you may want to ‘walk all over me’ or tell me off abusively. You may try to manipulate me with your anger or your tears. Love will ask me in these cases not to give one inch. Love forbids me to be a “doormat” or a “dingbat.” Love may ask me to confront you or walk away. So whatever else we might say of love, it is definitely not for those who seek the path of least resistance.”
(Story from Happiness Is an Inside Job).
“A friend of mine had been a teacher for most of his life. Once he confided to me that he had been an alcoholic for twenty years during his teaching career. During this time, he said, his family and friends made excuses for him. They were classic “enablers,” enabling him to go on drinking. Others took his classes when he was too drunk or too hung over to teach. And so his self-destruction by drinking went on for all those years. “Then,” he almost sighed with relief, “thank God, someone loved me with a tough love. Someone loved me enough to confront me. He stood right in front of me, and he promised that if I didn’t get help, he would blow the whistle on me. He said I was sick and that I needed help. He said he loved me too much to watch me destroy myself. That’s what turned me around. So I got help.”
This story is for all my fellow codependents who fear that confronting someone they love will do more harm than good. I believe telling the truth in love is always the best option. We lovingly set boundaries and then get on our knees. God cares about those we love more than we do, and He answers prayers!