We just celebrated the 4th of July and because this holiday often includes waterplay, I remembered in times past discussing with my girlfriends the stress of donning a bathing suit! Nearly every woman, no matter her shape or size, had issues, myself included. As we lamented and laughed, I realized that body issues had always been a thing for me until I did some work, not on my body, but on my soul. I figure there are a few ladies like me out there who could use some of the insight that I have fought for over the decades. So here goes…
I’ve always been shaped like a human pear, slight on the top and heavier in the hips. In junior high, when all the girls were developing into young ladies, I was still waiting for my turn. When junior high boys made jokes like, “You know you’re a loser when you put your bra on backwards and it fits,” I tried to pretend those jokes weren’t intended for me. But that didn’t stop me from feeling like the girl nature forgot.
I had all but given up my dreams of looking like the trendy teenage girls, when fashion model, Twiggy strutted onto the runway. There was certainly no hope of me having a chest like Marilyn Monroe, but if I knocked off a few pounds, lost the hips, then I had hope that I could look like this chick.
Having no idea what was healthy and what wasn’t, my method of weight loss became simply starving myself. Other than the magnitude of side effects, which I promptly ignored, my plan worked. The pounds fell off and every day I grew closer to my goal of finally looking like a supermodel.
People noticed my weight loss almost immediately. At first, they complimented me, but soon I could see worry in my friend’s eyes as they asked if I had eaten anything lately. The truth was that I hadn’t. I hardly ever ate, and that became more and more okay with me.
My parents were going through a bitter custody battle over my older brother. While there didn’t seem to be any easy answers, the drama took its toll on all of us. The anxiety at home was more than I could stomach, no pun intended, and the only thing I felt that I could control was what I put in my mouth. I didn’t know the name, Anorexia Nervosa, at the time, but at five feet, five inches tall and a hundred and eight pounds, it was pretty clear I had it. Well actually, experts say, “First you have it; then it has you.
Sadly, I grew to relish when people told me how thin I looked no matter how much my bones stuck out. And sickly, I took great satisfaction in knowing that I could “will” myself to starve no matter how weak or nauseous I felt.
I wearily dragged my way through high school, but college proved to be a greater challenge. It didn’t help that I accepted a scholarship twenty-five hundred miles away from home, and I had to find a job on top of my already intense school load. A demanding schedule like this would challenge a healthy person who was fueling herself with food. But I was constantly running on empty, and it took more gumption than I could muster. I had grown so good at ignoring my own feelings, that before I realized it, I was falling apart.
A major meltdown that resulted in me missing work and skipping classes, landed me in the dean’s office. Instead of the tongue-lashing, I was expecting for letting my responsibilities drop, the dean was compassionate and understanding. A trained counselor, he set up regular sessions to help me sort through my issues. It was immeasurably beneficial to discover how my feelings on the inside were dictating my actions on the outside. Facing my fears and understating my insecurities, helped me to accept myself right where I was. The more comfortable I felt in my own skin, the more my need to clutch for control of my eating seemed to fade.
I enrolled in health classes on campus and became surprisingly aware of how my starving was impacting the condition of my body. I set out to embrace a healthy food regimen and end my drastic eating, or should I say, not-eating pattern. I even signed up for tennis classes, and with my newfound energy, I discovered that I really liked exercise. This set up a pattern of healthy self-care that continues with me to this day.
One of the benefits of all the work I have done on my hard-won self-love is that I no longer lament the shape of my body. I can look in the mirror and like myself. That’s not all. I became so blessed and impressed with my college counselor that I became one myself. I finished college, and still continue learning on a regular basis to be a capable people helper. The tools I began learning in college to eat in a balanced way have blossomed into more knowledge about diet and health, and now I am an avid exercise advocate.
Today, as part of my counseling practice, I encourage folks to find an exercise they love as a part of their mental health regimen. But what I love most is showing ladies how to love themselves right where they are, hips and all.